A lot of my healing came from a better understanding of what it means and looks like
when trying to create a safe space. Apart of having a better understanding is recognizing where I went wrong to begin with, the knowledge I had vs the knowledge I needed. On my journey I've learned that giving space for someone to have agency was what I lacked the most. When I learned what this was, and how important it is for everyone to have, I was able to create safer situations. I learned ways to practice giving agency and sharing power, one great example is checking in and analyzing the power dynamic. Because no one taught me these things growing up, or had these kind of conversations with me, I wanted to bring this dialogue to my photo-series in order to create awareness.
I asked homies to share their stories with me so that I can share with my participants and potentially have a teachable moment.
SOME SCENARIOS ARE REAL ACCOUNTS FROM SURVIVORS
SCENARIOS 1
(WARNING: SOME OF THESE MAY TRIGGER SURVIVORS)
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A femme you have matched with on tinder comes over to your place directly after a little back and forth messaging over a period of several weeks, schedules never matched up until now. It is late at night. You watch a movie and offer some liquor which she declines, then she ask if she can lay down close to you on the bed? you say yes. You put your arm around her and immediately start rubbing up on her breast. she holds your hands in place and shifts her body weight away from you (but says nothing). A beat later you move your hand to unbutton her pants and she doesn't stop you as you take her pants off and take your dick out placing her hands on it. She asks you to wear a condom. You proceed to have sex. After you cum, you go back to watching the movie until you get hard again. Again you put on a condom. Midway through this time, you decide you don't like the feeling of the condom. When she realizes a few moments later that you have been having condom-free intercourse with her, she freaks out, immediately gets dressed, gathers her belongings, and leaves in tears even though you tell her that the condom must have just slipped off. You wonder if you should block her, she is acting cr*zy.
WHAT WAS THE FIRST MISTAKE?
SCENARIOS 2
(WARNING: SOME OF THESE MAY TRIGGER SURVIVORS)
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You said hi to a Black queer woman the other day at the coffee shop, the conversation went well, she asked for your number before leaving. You've been texting for 3 weeks now, going in depth about topics like toxic masculinity and feminism. You make plans to netflix and chill, you are excited about the first date. You both are enjoying the evening and you both express that you want to make out, you invite her to your room. Moments later she asks if she can take off her clothes, but expresses that she doesn't want to have sex. You are open to this and also undress. As you are making out you start rubbing your dick on her clit, after 3 minutes of this, you whisper in her ear can you stick it in. She says yes, you have sex and end the night soon after.
WHAT HAPPENED?
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SCENARIOS 3
(WARNING: SOME OF THESE MAY TRIGGER SURVIVORS)
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we’re close. you touch me (somehow you knew exactly where I liked to be touched) and my heart begins to race. it’s pounding. I may have made a noise. a moan or a sigh may have escaped my lips/I know I made a noise before I pulled away and told you to slow down. and you did. you stopped. the moment passed but you could tell there was something there so you drew me back to you, and kissed me. I let you, but my heart was doing that thing/pounding. there were knots in my stomach, tangling & tightening— I pushed you away. and you were confused cause you could tell there was something there. and I understood that and I explained. (I thought you deserved that) but you just knew there was something there. and you did it again.
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SCENARIOS 3
(WARNING: SOME OF THESE MAY TRIGGER SURVIVORS)
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EMAIL BOYSKOUTCOOKIES@GMAIL.COM IF YOU WANT TO SHARE A SCENARIO THAT HIGHLIGHTS TOXIC/FRAGILE MASCULINITY OR CONSENT.